What’s the Use: Overcoming Self-Defeating Thoughts
by Tina Tessina on May 6, 2020
The toughest issue I have to overcome in helping some clients get past their blocks and move forward in life is an attitude of "what's the use" or "I'm not worth it." Some children who are emotionally or mentally abused come to believe that they're not valuable as people. This makes it very difficult for them to have enough hope or motivation to work through the blocks and heal.
Each of us can be tempted at times to think "What's the use?" and be self-defeated; so I thought I'd write this month about how to counteract self-defeating thoughts and get your motivation back.
Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation. I like to state it as an equation: Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation. When you use this equation you can motivate yourself and the people around you. When you express gratitude for what you have, and appreciate yourself and those around you for whatever has been accomplished or received, your energy begins to rise, and you feel more hopeful. Hope is the foundation for motivation. When you feel that things are possible, you're more motivated to get started.
To enhance your positive experience, do the following steps before any new activity:
1. Make a mental note of the possibilities: Can you learn something there? Can you meet a new friend? Will just getting out of the house and around new people feel good?
2. Remind yourself of your goals: You're going there to make new friends and to have fun.
3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you? What do you like about you? Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your style, your conversation skills? Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means you will enter the event radiating that positive energy.
Research shows that people who have a positive outlook have better lives, partly because a positive attitude is attractive and charming, and people are drawn to it. As a result, you make friends. When you are positive you are supportive of yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad things, which makes it easier to connect to others. In addition, you feel much better about yourself, which means you feel more deserving of friends. It's a positive spiral, and goes up and up.
Being kind to yourself also means being present with yourself. This is such an important topic for today's age, where so many people escape into being constantly wired in, tuned in, and spaced out. Being present means being fully aware in the current moment, and paying attention. It is having all your senses-sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell-engaged, and not blocking them out. When you are present to yourself, you have an ongoing relationship with yourself, and you know in any moment what you think, how you feel, what you want, and consequently how to relate. Being present to yourself means being comfortable with your feelings, and also in charge of them, so you use your awareness to act thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively.
Being present in relationships means really experiencing your time with your friends, family, and partner. Paying full attention to what they are saying, how they are feeling, and how that makes you feel. It will enrich your relationships, and you'll know how to respond to whatever is going on. Being present around others will also help you know the good guys from the bad guys, to keep yourself safe and happy.
Being present to the moment means you always know what's going on around you, and are available to take advantage of opportunities that come along at exactly the right moment. It also means you'll remember things and events more clearly.
Being present also means you'll need some alone time, to process all the extra information you're becoming aware of.
To get present:
Take a break from audio input. Take some time off from being constantly wired for sound: take off the earbuds, turn off the TV or radio, just be with you and with other people without all those distractions. There is a time and place for a soundtrack, but it shouldn't be drowning out your interactions with yourself and with others.
Practice asking your own opinion. What do you think about what's going on? How do you feel about it? What do you want to do? Try beginning each day with a planning session: what you do want to get out of the day, and how do you plan to do it. Is anything coming up today that could be a problem? How do you want to approach it? Try ending each day with a debriefing session: review your day, and have a discussion with yourself about how it went, what you will do differently next time.
When you're around other people, practice really paying attention to them, and to how you feel about being with them. This may change your relationships drastically, but it will be a change for the better. Listen to others' opinions, wants, feelings, and also know your own.
Allow yourself some "down time" from constant activity and stimulation. Learn to meditate or just relax and focus on the moment. Learn to still the mindless chatter in your head, and create calm there. Negative self-talk brings you down and distracts you from actually being present in your own life.
You can create this inner teamwork, if you take small steps in the beginning:
When feelings of embarrassment, unworthiness, shame, or fear arise; slow down and give yourself a chance to relax.
Instead of pressuring or criticizing yourself, reassure and encourage yourself past the problem.
Discuss the problem with yourself, allowing both the reasoning adult part and the emotional inner kid to express an opinion, while you stay in charge and keep the conversation heading toward a solution.
Asking yourself questions and comforting yourself can seem strange, because part of you will worry what others would think, but no one need ever know you're doing this. Even once you understand how to confront your inner feelings, you may resist at first, because you feel confused, ashamed or embarrassed. Old, ingrained subconscious beliefs that your feelings are frightening, and that you're unworthy of attention are fighting with your new, rational adult knowledge that you are important to you.
Once you negotiate an internal truce, you can become a new kind of person, within whom both the intuitive, feeling part and the rational, acting part work together for the common good, without a "good guy" or "bad guy," or winner and loser, but seeking to solve problems so that both sides are satisfied. Negotiation, communication and partnership become an integral part of your relationship with yourself, producing a sense of wholeness and power that give you the confidence to take risks and the motivation to get things done. It truly takes the self-image of a warrior, at times, to continue the hero's journey toward fully living life. The reward you'll get is peace: within yourself and within your family.
These are very effective tools to help you look at your own life and your decisions from a different and valuable perspective. The decisions you make today affect the rest of your life, and you are ultimately the only person to whom you are accountable and for whom you are responsible. Every new decision is truly a new life's resolution.
